I am ready to get clean.
After fucking up and taking the suboxone and stuff, I went to my meeting alone.
I was so nervous I almost didn’t go in. All I could think about was how alone I felt and I let these terrible thoughts crawl back into my head to torture me. I couldn’t imagine what any of this would do to help.
I physically could not get out of the car because I felt so sick. I was about to call my connects, pick up, and just throw it all away again.
But I just thought to myself “one step at a time”.
So I first made it my goal to get out of the car. When I did, I challenged myself to sick down on the bench outside the meeting. Then I tried to get myself to go inside, but instead I stood up and started walking to my car with my dealer’s number dialed.
Before I could press call, one of the leaders of the group approached me and asked how I was doing. I knew how I felt, but I just said fine. Then he asked again “No really, how are you really doing? Honestly, you can tell me. I care about you and I want to know.” It is amazing how someone you barely know can say the one thing you need to hear the most.
We talked until the meeting was about to start and he walked me in to the room. I sat down at the back of the room and flat out decided I was going to blow this whole thing off and fuck around on my phone. But as the meeting went on and I heard everyone’s shares about admitting their problem and getting help, it hit me.
I need help and I need to realize that doesn’t make me weak or unintelligent or a burden on anyone. I want to let these emotions out after six years of burying it all.
I shared these three simple facts with everyone and nothing else. Afterward over four people approached me offering me phone numbers, potential sponsors, money to buy the NA book I couldn’t afford, and just some company when the meeting was over.
I knew I wanted to pick up so I followed them to Cha for Tea. I am glad I did. I am ashamed to admit I had the money and meet set up to pick up after that meeting. Even worse, I had an action plan about how I was going to manipulate the people around me into thinking I was changing for the better. But thanks to the support of the people in that NA group I am sober right now as I type this.
I don’t know how I will get through tomorrow, but I am proud of myself for getting through today and tonight.
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- black-blackplanet said: Thank you so much for sharing your stories.
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- here-here-and-here said: My pride is beaming. You were so brave today. Keep on fighting and it will gradually in due time get easier to resist. Baby steps, dear. You’re doing wonderfully. <3
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- rachaelvee said: this makes me happy. im here for you<3
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